11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
It has been exactly three months since we are told that it wasn’t a successful pregnancy and lost the baby. I thought once it’s positive, everything will go smoothly. But then, it’s not. You have to painstakingly pray and hope to hurdle the crucial 1st trimester until giving birth.
Our pregnancy was somewhat peculiar. We are one of the million couples who cannot get pregnant naturally. My husband has low sperm count and slow motility, and I have blocked fallopian tubes and have a Reproductive Immune Disorder. The only route for us was In Vitro Fertilization.
Our first IVF transfer was successful and implanted in November 2018, but our embryo did not have any heartbeat until eight weeks. The doctors pronounced it unsuccessful pregnancy in December and suggested to withdraw all medicines after the last ultrasound from the clinic.
I wasn’t able to grieve for our baby since the previous consultation in December. I kept myself busy with studying German and pretending everything was fine until panic attacks and anxiety was taking hold of me. It was a constant battle of pretending to be strong and vulnerable at the same time. Eventually, later did I realize that I can be both. There’s no harm of getting in touch with the sensitive side of ourselves, this only shows that we are human.
Miscarriage is underrated. We do not talk about it, and some women shy away from dealing it. Honestly, the entire ordeal has worn me out, but in the end, I thank God for giving me this situation and take it as an opportunity. I can genuinely say that my faith is deepened and now seeing the light amidst the storm. It is sad, and I know you are sad for me. But I take this test as an opportunity and sharing you the lessons that came with it.
God is in control
We are finding it hard to accept that most of our plan is not happening. We resist, and when we stumble a roadblock, we ask and question our faith. The truth is, God is not directly responsible for bad things that happen. He is ultimately responsible for everything that happens. Once we recognized that God is in control, we must look into His goodness, and the true trust will come. Just knowing that God is all-powerful is not enough. We need to know that when difficult or inexplicable things occur, He is kind and these things have a purpose, even if we can’t see that purpose. The key lies in trusting His goodness, His love, His mercy, His compassion, His faithfulness, and His holiness.
Focus on what is flourishing
It is easy to focus on what we have lost and the disappointments when we are in difficult situations. We spend most of our time in our lives with our worries about the future and mull over our past. We forgot about living in the present and wasting our time with the most important people in our lives. Miscarriage taught me to focus on my spiritual journey, my beautiful marriage, and my beautiful life.
He still provides
Despite the loss we had, we gained. Yes, we even gained. God opened my womb, and there is a sac and embryo; my uterus is healthy, and I can have a pregnancy again in the future. Pregnancy happened than nothing. I divert my attention to what I have instead of what we cannot have. God is still good that he let me experienced being pregnant even for a short time. I gained experience, memories, a lesson and an opportunity to deepen my faith in His sovereignty and affection.